


Confessions

by Whiterose64



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possible Romance, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whiterose64/pseuds/Whiterose64
Summary: Rafael and Olivia get drunk and past relationships come up. They deal with the aftermath of their drunken confessions. Someone unexpected lends a helping hand.
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Others
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Confessions Of Secrets Happen When Drunk

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Late-Night Confessions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27935741) by [FreckledSkittles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreckledSkittles/pseuds/FreckledSkittles). 



> I read Late-Night Confessions by FreckledSkittles and somehow my brain wrote this overnight. I woke up with it running round my head and was compelled to write It down and this is the result. I apologise for my brain and the bad summary.
> 
> I have now edited the ending of this and will be adding a couple more chapters.

Unusually Rafael and Olivia were alone in her apartment, Noah was on a sleepover with his best friend. Because of this they were sprawled on either end of the sofa well on their way to inebriation. Olivia had changed into comfy clothing before coming over and Rafael was in low hanging sweatpants and a t-shirt.

It had been a very long, very emotional week filled with cases more horrific than usual. They had started off decompressing with take out and a drink. It had escalated quickly and more alcohol seemed a great idea.

Rafael had been nursing a very large scotch for nearly an hour as Olivia bemoaned her terrible love life and told him all about it in great detail. He kept thinking that he should stop her as she would regret it in the morning, if she remembered. He had tried half heartedly but hearing about a romantic history nearly as bad as his was guiltily pleasing.

Eventually Olivia ran out of steam. Unfortunately for Rafael she gave him a scrutinising look and continued to stare at him for quite a while. Feeling very uncomfortable Rafael broke the silence with, “Why do I get the feeling you’re trying to see inside my brain.”

Olivia quietly said, “I am.” She continued to stare at him, as if by doing so she could know his every thought, which worried Rafael immensely.

He decided that withdrawal wasn’t cowardice and headed unsteadily to the kitchen to top up his scotch. Olivia had half a bottle of red wine on the coffee table so she was okay. The previous very large scotch was supposed to have been his last, but he had a feeling he was going to need another.

When he flopped back onto the sofa he found that Olivia was still staring at him. Before he could say anything Olivia asked him,

“What about your past. I’ve just regaled you with the horrors of my romantic history, tell me all about yours.”

Olivia looked almost as shocked as he did at her words and obviously didn’t know what to do about it. Rafael relied on snark and countered with,  
“You did, and entirely unsolicited, if I had wanted a detailed account of your love life I would have asked. Oh that’s right, I didn’t.”

Olivia had downed another glass of wine during his reply, which had bolstered her drunken resolve. “That may be so but now you know all my dirty secrets so you have to tell me yours. It’s only fair.”

Even drunk Rafael could see the holes in her logic. He looked at her and smirked. “Only if you promise not to ask me to take impossible cases for a month. So I can get some sleep and stay in the DA’s good books.” She would never agree to that, he was safe.

Olivia considered his proposal for a few minutes and decided it was worth it. Something she wouldn’t have done had she been sober. “Okay, I won’t try to force any cases on you for a month. Agreed.”

Rafael was shocked, he hadn’t expected her to agree to his terms. Now he would have to tell her what she wanted to know. That’s when the panic set in.

“But...why would you...but...you weren’t supposed to...agree.”

Olivia was having so much fun. She had managed to make him almost speechless. That was a victory she was never going to let him forget.

Olivia gleefully said, “Ohh, but I did. So, come on Rafael, spill all the juicy details.” She did feel a spark of guilt at the look on his face but was now too invested to actually think about what she was doing.

Rafael was suddenly a lot nearer to sober thanks to the adrenaline running through his veins, along with the terror. He was a very private person and there was a reason that she didn’t know much about his love life. Olivia was the first friend in decades that he had opened up with to the extent that he had with her. He was desperately trying to find a good reason not to tell her anything. Sadly for Rafael the alcohol and panic were not aiding him in this.

Olivia in frustration chucked one of the small cushions at him. “You agreed to the terms. You are supposed to do what we agreed. “Dish. Now”

Rafael realising that somewhere along the way he had finished his scotch decided he needed another in order to comply. As he headed for the kitchen he said, “Okay, okay. Stop being so demanding. I'm going to need more alcohol for this.” 

Olivia called out, “Bring another bottle of red if there’s any left, will you.”

He returned carrying an open bottle of wine, he also had the bottle of scotch. “Just in case.” He said as he put them down on the coffee table.” Olivia nodded and poured herself a glass whilst he filled his with scotch.

While he had been in the kitchen Olivia had been thinking. “Why are you so worried about telling me. You can’t have a history as bad as mine, plus with the amount of alcohol we’ve had neither of us will remember this in the morning.”

After a very large ‘sip’ of scotch Rafael replied while staring at his drink, “I have a hard time trusting people with private information, so talking about stuff like this is difficult. Also, you have no idea what bad is.”

After what he said Olivia felt a lot of guilt through the haze of red wine. So much so she said, “You don’t have to tell me, we’re drunk off our asses I shouldn’t have even gone there.”

Rafael felt relief at first then disappointment. That was when he realised that he did want to reciprocate and show Olivia that there were people with worse love lives than hers.

“No, no, I agreed I knew what I was agreeing too. I just misjudged your need to know. Just give me a minute to get my thoughts together.”

Olivia was going to protest until she saw the determination in his eyes. She felt humbled that he would trust her with this. So she sat there sipping her wine as he marshalled his thoughts. 

She was on a new glass of wine by the time he started talking.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just want to make clear that nothing I say is to be spoken about to anyone else.” The look he gave her made her realise how much he meant it.

“Of course not. I wouldn’t gossip about private information.” She said looking him in the eye.

“As I said I trust you. Just as a lawyer I can’t help but need clarity.” He paused for a while.

“You think your history is bad, compared to mine it’s great. I already told you about my crush on Lauren, we didn’t date though. I was the geeky know it all, teachers pet, who made everyone else look dumb. I only ever asked one girl out in school and the shock on her face that I had had the temerity to even think about asking her out chopped any confidence I had off at the knees. I just looked and pined.”

“Then in high school a beautiful girl moved in two doors down from me. Her mother and mine became fast friends so we ended up having to spend time together. I expected her to ignore me at school but she didn’t. I managed to get my nerve up and ask her out, expecting rejection, I was over the moon when she said yes. You know her name, Yelina. 

I was a couple of years ahead in school, another reason I wasn’t popular. Without Alex and Eddie as friends I don’t know how I would have survived. So anyway, I got the scholarship to Harvard when I was 16. Yelina and I had been dating for a year when I left for Harvard, I thought we would marry once I passed the bar. I had to work to pay my living expenses so I couldn’t come home often. The first time I came home was after four months. I knew things would change but Eddie wouldn’t even look at me, Alex was acting oddly. Yelina was just the same so I was happy. I was home for two weeks and I had a great time until the day I left to go back to college. Halfway to the train station I realised I had left the book I was reading at home. It was for one of my courses so I had to go back and get it. As I was leaving with the book I saw Alex at Yelina’s front door. The door opened and Yelina threw her arms around Alex and kissed him, then pulled him inside. Neither saw me and I didn’t have time to confront them. So all I could do was head off to get the train back to Harvard.

By this time Olivia was desperate to comfort him but felt that if she said anything or touched him he would stop. She felt awful for him but she didn’t want him to stop.

“I spent the trip back going over every phone call and letter. Looking at the last two weeks with different eyes. Eddie not being able to look me in the eye now made sense, as did Alex acting oddly. What I couldn’t get over was how Yelina had acted as if nothing had changed. She had lied to me, a lot I now realised. I wasn’t even 17 yet and dealing with living away from home, studying. The betrayal hit me hard being so young. My best friend and my girlfriend had both lied to me and she had cheated on me with my best friend. He sighed and took a gulp of scotch.

Looking up at Olivia he continued, “I was gun shy after that. I did get propositioned by some of the girls at Harvard, previously I’d just told them I had a girlfriend. Even after I found out about Yelina and Alex it was easy to say no to them. It was obvious that they just saw me as an interesting novelty, the poor latino scholarship guy. A rebellious thing to do to annoy their rich white parents. I just buckled down to my studies and tried to prove to everybody that I deserved the scholarship. After that it was law school and passing the Bar. I didn’t have time for anything else and I definitely didn’t want to end up being cheated on again.” He stopped for a minute whilst he refilled his glass. 

“Once I became an ADA learning the ropes and doing my job took all my time. I barely had time to eat and sleep. So a love life was just a pipe dream, even if I would have liked to try again. Eventually as I got more experience as an ADA and I was being given less grunt work I had free time. I dated again but rarely got more than a few dates before my job caused too many rain checks and they gave up on me as a bad job… that happened so often I started to wonder if it was me that was the problem. Then I met a lovely woman, Kate, who was a doctor at one of the free clinics in the Bronx. We moved in together, I started thinking of the future. Then one night she came home and told me that she was moving out as she had been offered a job in Chicago. She was so matter of fact about it that I began to think she was a pod person. Her parting words were ‘So sorry, you’re a great guy and I’ll miss the sex, but this is my career and that takes priority.’ There was silence for a while before he continued, “That was roughly what happened every time I got involved with someone long term. They left because of their career, their family or they found they couldn’t cope with the hours I worked. They always said I was a nice guy, the sex was great but…, Occasionally they would cheat on me, that was worse.” 

He bowed his head and quietly said, “My father used to say to me ‘You’re just not loveable. I don’t love you, your mother doesn’t think much of you or she would have left me.’ When I said that she did love me and so did abuelita he just said, ‘They are mothers they have no choice but to love their offspring. Look it up if you don’t believe me, it’s called Maternal Instinct’. I did look it up and when my abuelita found me crying she told me ‘Yes there is Maternal Instinct but your father is using that to hurt you. Your mother and I love you to bits because you are a lovely, kind and loving little boy. Ignore your father, he is wrong. I am always right, aren’t I.’ I agreed with her but since then when a relationship ends there has always been that nagging voice in the back of my head saying ‘Your father was right.’

That was when Olivia, who had been sitting there with tears pouring down her face couldn’t stop a sob from escaping. Rafael looked up startled and started apologising profusely for upsetting her.

She shouted over him, “Rafael, stop apologising. It’s not necessary, there is nothing to apologise for. I should be the one apologising to you for bringing up all that sadness. Also for the record, you are very lovable. Noah loves you, Franny loves you...I love you.” Oops, she thought, I wasn’t going to say that.

“That list is a real boost to my confidence. A four year old boy and a dog who both love everybody they meet and my best friend loves me. My life is complete.”

Olivia wasn’t sure if she was pleased or disappointed that he assumed her love was merely friendship. She would have to pack that away and give it more thought. Rafael was similarly thinking, ‘she did mean love as in friendship...didn’t she.’ Also making a note to think about it when his faculties were working fully.

“Okay, you win! Your history is as bad as mine, verging on worse. I also want to make it clear that I wish I had won this, not you.”

Rafael shrugged and gave her a lopsided smile. “I think that needs a toast. So, here’s to lousy love lives.” Clinking Olivia’s wine glass he downed his scotch in one.

Olivia said “Cheers.” She paused thinking then asked, “Are you still avoiding relationships?” “Why, are you interested?” He said flippantly, his chuckle ending as he saw the look on her face. “Olivia, that was a joke.” He was certain he had seen disappointment flash across Olivia’s face. But that would mean that….”Okay I was only half joking.” He admitted quietly. Olivia’s eyes went wide. “You mean that you...are attracted to me?” Looking uncomfortable he said, “Yes. I’d have to be dead for me not to be. But I know that nothing can come of it. We’re friends, I need my job, so friendship is great.” “Rafa, let me just say that I find you attractive too. So don’t worry, we’re both in the same boat. Also I too came to the conclusion that friendship was enough. Especially when the alternative would be one or both of us being reassigned.” “So, you were unable to resist the Cuban charm and sexiness, huh.” He smirked. Olivia grinned, “ADA Barba, caught by the Benson charm and sexiness, huh.” “Okay, okay. We are both irresistible. We just decided to put the jobs first. How noble of us.” “We are noble.” Olivia slurred. “I’ll drink to that.” Then she downed her almost full glass of wine. After which the room started spinning. As she peered at Rafael he looked like he had the same problem. So she crawled along the sofa and landed in a heap against him and mumbled “The room is spinning, we should stay here.” 

As they drifted off to sleep both of them hoped they remembered everything in the morning, though neither were entirely sure why. A few minutes later the room was silent apart from the steady breathing of two friends sleeping off too much alcohol and too many confessions.


	2. Consequences Of The Night Before.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Olivia deal with the aftermath of their drunken confessions.

This goes completely AU.

This will alternate between the viewpoints of Rafael and Olivia as they figure out what is happening and normal conversation.  
I also added a couple of sentences of part one (to the first paragraph) to make what I have written here make sense as I hadn’t intended to do a follow up.

Rafael was startled into consciousness when his phone started blaring out his wake up alarm. He knew it was his phone because he had set the loudest and most obnoxious sound he could find as his alarm. He inwardly winced as the sound made his head feel like it was about to explode. Something he wasn't too averse to at the moment, due to the excruciating pounding going on in his head. Turning it off was definitely a priority but even the thought of moving made him feel worse and wanted to add nausea to his ills.

The awful sound stopped and his relief was all encompassing. Until it occurred to him that if he hadn't turned it off...who had? He attempted to open his eyes but the first sliver of light caused searing pain. On top of the pounding that was still going on, despite the silence, it was just too much so he shut his eyes again.

He lay there wondering how much alcohol he had consumed the night before and vowing never to do it again. Suddenly a body sat next to him on the sofa and leaned heavily against him. Followed by a whispered, "Thank goodness we don't have to work today. I added three hours to the timer on the coffee maker. It's not turning on for another four hours, so go back to sleep." 

He knew that voice. He also knew that, whoever it was, they weren’t a threat. Because of that his brain gave up on figuring out who it was and decided sleep was the best course of action. He drifted off to sleep and just before his consciousness faded he felt the body next to him cuddle closer and arms go tightly around him.

Olivia slowly woke up to find herself practically lying on top of someone. It was definitely a man, because she couldn’t miss the obvious morning evidence to that. Her brain helpfully added that she didn’t know anyone that big. This set her senses into alert mode but she relaxed again when soft snoring registered. So whoever it was, he was still asleep and she could hopefully move away before he woke up.

She slowly opened her eyes and quickly closed them again. She was one of the lucky ones who barely got hangovers, but if she imbibed too much she would wake up sensitive to light. What had she done last night? Shielding her eyes she sat up, realised they were on a sofa and moved to the other end. It was dark enough that her eyes were slowly acclimating to the light level. Once she could open her eyes fully she looked at the other end of the sofa. 

Oh my God! It was Rafa she had been sleeping on top of!...It was Rafa who had that big….She groaned inwardly, trying not to wake him. I’ll ever be able to look  
him in the eye ever again, she thought. This was awful, what on earth was she going to do. Her evil brain taunted, ‘go on, have a closer look, peak underneath the sweatpants’, but she wasn’t going to acknowledge that enticing idea. No! That was not an enticing idea, no. The next idea her brain came up with was much better, she was going to hide in the bathroom until she figured out what happened last night. With that she carefully got up and tiptoed her way to Rafa’s guest bathroom, she didn’t want to have to face him if he needed the main one. It wasn’t until she had shut the door that it registered to her that she had heard the coffee machine start up. She should have got some coffee, she definitely needed some.

Rafael slowly woke up again as his senses registered coffee in the air. The pounding in his head had faded to a bearable level, which was a big relief. He carefully opened his eyes and was relieved to find the light sensitivity had gone. He looked around and realised that the other person wasn’t there. Had he imagined that? He didn’t think so, but where had they gone? He decided that was something to find out after he had got some coffee. So he headed to the kitchen and the much needed caffeine.

He luxuriated in his first gulps of coffee. His usual need for coffee was strong but this morning it was even more essential. He could tell that he had drunk more than he should have last night but the memory of the whole night was annoyingly just out of reach. He must have had company, hence the person from earlier, as he only drank too much with company. Though who his company had been was was a mystery at the moment. Once the first mug was finished he poured another and headed to his bedroom to start his morning routine. The other person must have left as they didn’t seem to be in the apartment and they wouldn’t be hiding, would they? So he decided what to wear and laid the outfit on his bed and headed to the bathroom. He showered and shaved and then got dressed and downed his second coffee in one.

Olivia heard the shower go on in the other bathroom. She immediately decided that a quick trip to the kitchen for coffee was a good idea. She heard the shower go off just as she got back and settled on the floor with a coffee, in the largest mug she could find. That was close, she should have just gone with the first mug she came across. As the coffee started to kick in she realised that what she was doing was really odd. She was hiding in her best friends guest bathroom and trying to avoid him at all costs. She needed to get her act together. 

She had worked with Cassidy after seeing him naked, so why couldn’t she face Rafa. When she had only been pressed against him, both of them fully clothed. She knew that his morning erection was perfectly normal and there was no reason for her, or Rafa, to be embarrassed about it. It had nothing to do with her, just biology. It was just that she had spent so long refusing to think about Rafa as a man that it was a shock to get proof. All of a sudden her memory woke up. The whole night came back to her. Now she really had a good reason to be unable to face him. She told herself she wasn’t a coward but continued to sit there going over and over what had happened the night before. Maybe he wouldn’t remember her bombarding him with details of her love life, then she could claim she didn’t remember either. As she sat there feeling mortified she went over what Rafa had said about his love life. She realised that he must trust her as much as she did him, she just hoped that last night didn’t change things between them.

Rafael was still trying to remember what happened the night before and coming up blank. This was seriously annoying as he had a very good, almost photographic, memory. Why wasn’t it working? He glanced at the coffee machine and thought that the level was lower than he had left it, but it couldn’t be so carried on getting breakfast. He made some toast with peanut butter, poured another coffee and sat at the counter to eat. He was scrolling through his phone, as normal, but not really registering anything as he tried to remember last night.

Meanwhile Olivia was telling herself that she was being silly and that she should just go out there and let Rafa know she was still here. So after a little while and another pep talk she got up, washed her face, combed through her hair with her fingers and tried to look more put together than she actually was. Then she took a deep breath, or two, and opened the bathroom door. Picking up the empty mug she walked out into the hallway and into the living room. Rafa was at the counter eating breakfast and despite the phone in his hand seemed to be staring at the counter instead. He hadn’t heard her so she said, “Morning, Rafa.” Then had to work really hard not to laugh at the startled expression on his face at her greeting.

Rafael was shocked. It was Olivia, where had she come from? Then all of a sudden the events of the night before dropped into place, resulting in him being unable to form words or coherent sentences.

Olivia held up her mug and said, “I’ll just put this in the sink and get out of your hair. From the look on your face I think that will be best.” She siddled carefully past him and poured water in the mug and left it in the sink.

Seeing the mug he realised that Olivia was the coffee thief and that the coffee really was lower when he got back from his shower.

As she headed back to the living room he regained the ability to speak. “Where did you go to? I thought I was alone.” He said, sounding bewildered. “Liv stop, you don’t have to go. We should, maybe, talk about last night.” He said putting his hand on her arm to keep her in the kitchen.

Olivia for her part still wanted to get out of dodge and process this morning's events, never mind last night’s. “It was just a night of drunken conversation that got a little out of hand. Something we would be better off not remembering.” She said avoiding looking at him, even though he tried to get her to.

“Why won’t you look at me? Did I do something inappropriate? Did I ruin our friendship? Please tell me. I don’t remember doing anything like that, what did I do?” He was so upset about what he must have done that he let his distress show unhindered.

Olivia immediately felt guilty that Rafa was assuming he was at fault when she was the one who should be apologising for acting weirdly. “Rafa, no you didn’t do anything. I promise.”

“I didn’t? Then why?”

“Okay, I guess we do need to talk. But first, I’m starving, is there any chance of breakfast?”

“Of course! What is wrong with me, where are my manners? Mami would kill me if she knew. What do you fancy?”

Looking at the remains of his peanut butter on toast she said, “That looks great, and another coffee?”

Rafael felt a little relieved by the fact that she wasn’t acting quite as weirdly now. Whatever it was it couldn’t have been too bad. “Okay, coming right up. Sit down while I get it ready.”

Olivia sat down and watched Rafa move around his kitchen looking more at home than she thought he would. Once he handed her breakfast and got a refill of coffee he sat down beside her and watched her eat. There was a definite feeling of awkwardness in the air. Olivia wouldn’t look at anything but her food, so he tried to enjoy his coffee and waited. When she had finished they moved to the sofa, on either end, unconsciously mirroring the night before.

At first they just looked at each other trying to figure out how to start. Eventually Olivia decided that as she had made Rafa doubt himself and it was her that was causing the awkwardness this morning she should start. “Stop worrying, Rafa. You didn’t do anything you shouldn’t have, I’m the problem.”

“What do you mean, you’re the problem?” Rafael queried, totally confused.

“Maybe we should talk about last night first.” Chicken, a voice in her head taunted. “Do you regret telling me what you did, Rafa? I know that I don’t regret what I told you, I’m just a little embarrassed at the way I kinda forced it on you.”

“Hey, don’t worry we were both drunk and if I had really wanted to I could have shut you down. Actually I was a little overwhelmed that you would trust me that much. I don’t regret telling you what I did. Also, just to be clear, I didn’t tell you what I did because I felt I had to. Honestly, telling you was kind of cathartic. Plus it sounded like you really needed someone to prove to you that you weren’t the only one with such bad luck in love.”

“Cathartic, huh. It’s good to know you didn’t feel pressured to reciprocate, though. If I’m being honest, it did help to know that there are others just as hopeless at love as me. I just wish you weren’t like me, I know how much it sucks.”

“Doesn't it just…Okay, so last night we admitted that we found each other attractive. Because of the chaos it would cause with our jobs we haven’t acted on it. We are happy just being best friends. We both have terrible luck in love. Does that summarise last night's discussion?”

“Yes, it does.”

“Great that puts our drunken confessions to rest. Now, why on earth were you acting so squirrely earlier?” It occurred to him that whatever it was must have happened this morning. The look on her face at his question made him wonder if he should be more worried. She looked a combination of horrified and embarrassed. “How bad is this?”

By now Olivia had her face in her hands hoping for the ground to open up and swallow her. “This is so embarrassing!” She almost whined.

“Alright, if you don’t tell me, which will probably kill me, will you be able to stop acting weird?”

Olivia groaned and curled up into a ball. “I don’t think so...What’s wrong with me? I’ve worked in SVU for decades, nothing should embarrass me.” Was mumbled from underneath the cushion she was now using to hide her face.

“Would writing it down be easier?” Rafael asked, completely baffled by her reaction to his question.

There was a muffed “Nooo” followed by silence. Finally Olivia sat up, took a deep breath and looked at him with a confidence she hadn’t had seconds ago. “Okay, I apologise for acting so weirdly. I just don’t want to ruin things between us…Let me just say that you are my best friend and we work together better than anyone else I’ve known. I love being your friend and don’t want to lose your friendship…”

“Now you really have me worried. I have no idea what this is about but I don’t want to lose your friendship either. I’m starting to wonder now if I really want to know.”

“I’m sure I am overreacting, I’m not at my best today. I want it on record that the alcohol is still in my system...So what got me so weirded out was something that happened this morning. Something that I really have no reason to have freaked out about. As I said, alcohol.” Olivia chuckled, “I know, excuses, excuses”

“I didn’t say a word.” Rafel said, not even trying to stop the large grin on his face.

“Okay, Olivia just bite the bullet.” She muttered to herself. “This is so silly and I’ve blown it out of all proportion...When I woke up this morning I was practically laid on top of you. I was figuring out where I was and who I was laying on when I realised I was lying on a man...due to the...uh...very obvious...uh evidence I was ...pressed up against. Which wasn’t a problem when my brain commented on said evidence. It became a huge problem when after sitting up I discovered it was you. That comment kept going round my head and all I could think of was how I’d never be able to look you in the eye ever again.”

“Very obvious evidence, huh.” Rafael chuckled.

“Don’t start, you.” Olive said, giving him a grumpy look.

“What was the comment, then. I’m dying of curiosity here.” He said unsuccessfully trying not to laugh.”

“You don’t want to know.” She snapped.

“Ohh, but I really, really do.” He said with that infuriating smirk of his.

Blushing like crazy Olivia hid her head in a cushion. “Your ego is big enough already, but here goes. My initial thought was I don’t know anyone that big...Then my evil, curious brain thought that having a look underneath your sweats for a closer look would be a good idea. I didn’t though, just having the thought was embarrassing enough that facing you was so difficult.” 

“You were going to peak!” 

Rafael was amazed, he thought she didn’t notice he was male. She was beautiful, courageous, brilliant and most definitely a woman. He couldn’t help but notice and if a relationship wouldn’t have caused professional suicide he would have acted on his attraction. Until last night he thought that all she saw was the ADA and not the man. He realised that she had been pushing the attraction aside and purposely only seeing the ADA.

“It crossed my mind, that was all. Don’t make things worse than they are, like I just did.” She pleaded.

“I always had the impression that you barely saw me as male. Is getting proof what freaked you out? Because it shouldn’t be that much of a shock, I mean I’ve known you were female from the start.” He said slightly exasperated. It hurt his male ego in ways he hadn’t felt before.

“Oh, there’s no need to come to the defence of your male ego. I’ve always known you were male, I just tried very hard to ignore it, getting involved with an ADA is not a very good idea.”

“You thought about it? Wow. I came to the same conclusion about a relationship early on too.

“You did! You thought about acting on the attraction!”

“Who wouldn’t? Was his reply, so relieved that she hadn’t missed that he was male that he was admitting to things he probably shouldn’t. “So let me just recap again. We both found each other attractive but didn’t act on it because of our jobs. We both, despite our jobs, also ended up thinking about acting on the attraction. We both thought the other wasn’t interested, so we gave up on it. Instead of having a romance we became best friends.”

“That sounds about right. Slightly depressing but what we’ve done.” Olivia said despondently. 

“I wouldn’t say depressing. Instead of a romantic relationship that might have crashed and burned by now, going by last night's revelations, we have a solid and wonderful friendship. Yes, romance is great but so is what we have now.” Rafael countered.

“Trust it to be the grumpy lawyer who is the one looking on the bright side. I should tell the squad you have a softer side.”

“No point, they’d never believe you.” He said looking at her as if she was out of her mind. “Anyway, as we have hashed out the monumental goings on of last night and this morning. Surprise, surprise I think it’s time for coffee. Mami brought over some pastelitos yesterday so we can have some of those as well.” Olivia eagerly agreed and helped him by plating the pastelitos while he got the coffee. 

They quickly demolished the pile of pastries and were enjoying their second round of coffee when Rafael looked over at Olivia and grinned. “Thank God you’re acting normally now, I thought I was...going to...have to...get in touch...with your...shrink.” He said laughing all the way through.

Olivia just gave him an evil look and threw a cushion at him. Nailing him in the face she burst out laughing at the shocked look on his face. “You asked for that, you idiot.” She managed to get out as she laughed harder than she had for years.

He just joined in, laughing maniacally too. Both of them were just happy and relieved that everything was out in the open and their friendship was just the same.


	3. Unexpected Repercussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone unexpected gives them a helping hand.

Their relief at everything being out in the open was short lived. Over the next few weeks their attraction to each other started to take over their thoughts. When they had thought their attraction was all one-sided, ignoring it and acting professional had been doable. Now they knew it was not unrequited, both started wondering what they would be like together as a couple. Both liked the idea. Unfortunately they were each doing such a good job of hiding it again that they both thought that they were the only one considering a relationship.

They continued like this neither particularly happy but soldiering on. Each coming to realise that the need for contact, of any kind, with the other was becoming as essential as breathing. So they ended up back where they had been at the beginning of their time working together, only worse. Because this time they knew the attraction was mutual, it was torture. Each of them were convinced they were the only one pining for the other. Both unable to go back to the status quo they had achieved prior to that life changing night and morning of revelations. 

Months went by and they were becoming more and more unhappy, thinking about what if. People were starting to notice. Fin kept asking Olivia if everything was alright and the complaints about Barba being grumpy were increasing. Neither were brave enough to admit their feelings. They dreaded admitting anything, afraid to get confirmation that the other had pushed their attraction down and saw their relationship as purely friendship and were happy as things were. Neither noticed how the other was acting, concentrating instead on trying to act normally. 

For Olivia moving from SVU was unthinkable so was never an option. For Rafael, if moving jobs gave him the ability to have more than a friendship with Olivia then the loss of their work partnership would be worth it. Well that was what he kept thinking, then changing his mind to back in favour of the status quo. He put feelers out for jobs, but made sure that Olivia didn’t find out. He knew Olivia would never leave SVU so if anyone was going to leave it would have to be him. Even if it was only to force him to get over her.

He was in a weekly morning meeting with McCoy when at the end of it his boss went silent and sat staring at him. Not sure what was going on Rafael kept eye contact and waited for his boss to say what he was going to. Be it good or bad Rafael knew he would have little say in it.

Eventually McCoy broke eye contact and asked the weirdest question. “How is your relationship with Sergeant Benson going?”

Rafael found himself feeling like a rabbit in headlights and not entirely sure why. He quickly pulled himself together and gave an answer, “We have a good working relationship and we have become friends outside of work. We seem to be a good team.”

“Friends, you say.” McCoy said with a raised eyebrow. Which baffled Rafael.

“Yes, just...friends. Best friends.” Unfortunately for him, the first part came out as wistful.

McCoy smiled at him. He was in trouble, McCoy didn’t smile that way at people unless they had confirmed something to him. Rafael was afraid he knew what had been confirmed and he wasn’t going to like the outcome.

His apprehension must have shown as McCoy said, “Rafael, don’t start worrying. You are not in any trouble, in fact you have solved a problem of mine.”

Despite the reassurance Rafael’s worry only intensified as he asked “I have?” 

“Yes, you have. You do know that I have ways of keeping an eye on my ADA’s and everyone else, don’t you.” He paused for dramatic effect. “At first I kept an eye on the two of you once I discovered there was a mutual attraction between you that even I could see. Then nothing happened and you both worked so well together and treated each other just as friends. I realised that you both were professionals and able to put your jobs first so I stopped worrying that you were going to give me a very bad headache. 

He paused again before continuing, “For the last six months it has been noticed that things have changed between you. You both appear to be almost pining over each other and getting more and more unhappy. I really don’t want to break up a winning partnership, but I also don’t want to watch it crash and burn. Which I think is where you are heading.”

“What do you mean, Jack?” I may be pining, he thought, but Olivia isn’t. Where did they get that idea?

“Well...my sources say that both of you are practically mooning over each other but resolutely being as professional as possible. I have also been informed that the two of you would be ‘awesome together’ if you would allow yourselves to make the leap.”

“But… I.. how...huh”

McCoy had never seen the talented lawyer speechless before and was guiltily proud that he had been the one to do it. “Rafael, hear me out.” When Rafael closed his mouth and nodded, he continued, “As I said, you both have been doing a brilliant job of making sure you are professional at work and I appreciate your efforts. I like you Rafael, you are willing to take risks and you don’t take cases dependent on how they will affect your win/loss ratio. I know that sometimes gets you in trouble with the powers that be, but as far as I’m concerned we need someone to take on the tricky cases and I admire you for doing so. You are a good man who does his job to the best of your ability every time, unlike some, and tries to see that justice is done. I also think that you deserve to be happy, which I don’t think you are, outside of your job.” 

McCoy managed not to grin at the shocked look on Rafael’s face. “So, as I said I have a problem that you can help me with. I’ve decided that, due to the steady increase in cases, we need a second EADA and I am offering you the post. You will still be able to try any of the tricky SVU cases you wish but you would also be able to pursue a relationship with Sergeant Benson as technically you won’t be their ADA. You haven’t denied my implications that you wish to have a relationship with her so I am assuming my information is correct...Is that the case?”

Rafael was a startled rabbit again, but managed to quietly say, “Yes.”

“Good. Now I realise that this doesn’t just affect you so I am giving you a week to consider it and discuss it with Sergeant Benson. Right then, that was all we needed to discuss today, so I will let you get back to work.” He then looked at Rafael more closely and said, “Forget that, take the rest of the day. You don't look like you’ll be able to concentrate after this. You don’t have anything pressing on your desk, so go home and consider my proposal. I imagine you won’t be able to discuss it with Sergeant Benson until this evening.”

“Thank you, Jack” Was all a stunned Rafael managed to say as he hurried out of Jack’s office.

His heart was racing a mile a minute. His brain was also in overdrive and seemingly having difficulty comprehending what Jack had said. He got back to his office and told Carmen to hold all calls. He sat at his desk and looked at his schedule for the rest of the day. McCoy was correct, he didn’t have court or any meetings. He also agreed with Jack, he would be unable to concentrate for the rest of the day. So he packed up his things and headed out to Carmen’s desk, “Carmen, I’m taking the rest of the day off. So you go early too if you want and it won’t come out of your holidays, I’ll make sure.”

“Thank you, Mr Barba, I’ll just finish this and then I will definitely go home.” 

“See you tomorrow.” With that Rafael was away from Carmen’s desk before she could say goodbye. She wondered why he was being so impulsive, but knew she would find out soon enough.

Rafael was sitting on his couch staring at the coffee table, as the end of the meeting with McCoy played over and over in his head. His initial reaction had been elation, quickly followed by a feeling of almost dread. He was going to have to call Olivia and arrange a meeting where he would have to tell her that McCoy knew about their attraction. That must be where the dread was coming from, he decided, trying to ignore the voice saying ‘That’s not the reason.’

After a while brooding he got up and poured himself a large whiskey. Once back on the couch he picked up his phone and, before he could chicken out, called Olivia. When she answered she sounded harried so he just told her that he needed to talk about something important that had happened in his meeting with McCoy. They agreed to meet that evening at 7pm and that was it, a two minute call and he felt like his fate was sealed.

Looking at his watch he discovered that it was only 2pm. He had five hours to survive, without driving himself mad. On her part Olivia was much better off, as she was too busy to even wonder what Rafael wanted to talk about. Rafael decided that the best thing was to keep himself busy, so he started cleaning the apartment. Three hours later there was no part of the apartment that hadn’t been vacuumed, dusted or polished to gleaming. He however was a blight on all the cleanliness. A shower was definitely in order and a change of clothes. 

Half an hour later he looked like he belonged in his apartment again. The only problem was that there was still well over an hour and a half to go. He texted Olivia to ask if she wanted to eat while they talked. Her reply was affirmative thinking it would be takeout. Rafael had other ideas, thinking cooking something would pass the time. Looking in the fridge he saw a couple of steaks which he had got out yesterday but not used as his mother had already eaten before she came over. So he could do the mashed potatoes with asparagus and sugar snap peas that he had planned to go with the steaks. Pleased that he now wouldn’t have to figure out what recipe to do, he got everything out of the fridge.

As he had prepped everything he mulled things over in a much calmer state than earlier. He realised that what scared him was that he didn’t know how Olivia would react. She may not want to explore a romantic relationship, if that happened he didn’t want awkwardness to ruin their friendship. He was also afraid that if they did get together they wouldn’t last, or he would do something to ruin it. It was always his fault that things went wrong, that’s what they all told him anyway. If they broke up that would most likely end their friendship. Something that he wasn’t sure was worth risking, for the chance of something more. He started to think that the status quo was the best option. The only problem was that he would have to tell her that McCoy knew about their attraction and about his attempt at playing cupid. If he didn’t McCoy was likely to allude to it and Olivia would be angry if he hadn’t told her.

Olivia had been to his building a few times and the doorman/concierge of Rafael’s building recognised her and just waved her through. As she headed upstairs she wondered what he wanted to talk about. Knocking on his door, she suddenly felt nervous. Rafael opened the door with his usual flourish and invited her in. Seeing how normal he was acting she felt silly for having felt nervous. Little did she know that he was putting on the best show of his life as tried not to show the absolute terror that had creeped up on him as he cooked.

As Olivia sat on the couch, Rafael asked, “Do you want to eat first or afterwards?”

Olivia didn’t know what they were going to talk about and wasn’t sure she would be comfortable eating if things were awkward. She was also starving hungry, so she said, “Well, I’m actually really hungry. So what takeout shall we have? I fancy Thai.”

Rafael found himself stuttering his reply, “I...huh...thought I’d...cook. You know...for a change. I…” he trailed off looking sheepishly at Olivia. 

All of which puzzled Olivia and she wondered what on earth was going on. She took pity on him, ignoring the strange way he was acting. “You cooked! I thought we’d be having takeout as usual. So what are we having?” 

“I have steak waiting to be cooked and mashed potato, asparagus and sugar snap peas to go with them.” He said relieved that he got that out without any problems.

“That sounds amazing. Can I have my steak medium, please.” Was her reply. “Do you need any help?”

“No, no, all I have to do is cook the steak. Everything else is in the oven keeping warm. Would you like a drink while you wait? I have tea, coffee, wine and whiskey.” 

“Red?” She queried.

“Would I bother offering anything else?” He grinned, finally relaxing. 

“I’ll come and get it, save you coming back out.” She said.

“Okay, come on, you know where everything is. Help yourself.” He told her as they moved into the kitchen.

Olivia got herself a glass of red and leant against the counter watching Rafael as he put the steaks in the pan. 

“It never occurred to me to ask if you cooked. I guess living on takeout isn’t really a good thing.”

“My abuelita taught me. Cuban food is my specialty but I had these in the fridge so I decided they would be easiest to do.” He answered not really concentrating on the conversation. 

“Your mom didn’t teach you, why not?”

“My father thought learning to cook wasn’t...manly. The one time she tried to, he stopped her and spent the next week making comments about him being worried I was queer. Which was only half right, as I’m Bi…” He stopped suddenly realising what he had just admitted to. Olivia didn’t know that, nobody knew that. 

Luckily it was obvious to Olivia that the steaks were done and ignoring his obvious discomfort asked, “Where are the plates?”

On autopilot, as he moved out of the way, Rafael said, “In the oven, with the veg.” 

Grabbing the oven gloves on the counter Olivia got the plates out so he could plate the steaks. Taking the bowl of mash and vegetables she headed for the dining table. She put the covered bowls on the mats laid out for them and waited for Rafael. When he hadn’t come over after a few minutes she went back to the kitchen.

She found him leaning on the counter staring at empty plates. She stood in the doorway and quietly said, “You didn’t mean to tell me that, did you?” She saw him shake his head. “Not that it comes as a surprise.” He quickly looked over at her. “When you started working with the squad there was a pool on whether you were gay or not. Your penchant for amazing suits and colourful accessories went against you. They eventually gave up as they couldn’t figure out how to find out, without asking you. Then I guess our reaction to each other blew that out of the water.”

“Were you in the pool?”

“Thought about it, but I couldn’t decide either way. They didn’t have Bi as an option.”

“Ahh.” He said looking so forlorn that she just pulled him into a hug. At first he resisted but quickly clung to her as she rubbed her hand up and down his back. When she heard him sniffle she pulled him even closer. 

After a few minutes he pulled away apologising for getting so emotional and letting the food get cold. “Would you bring everything back, please.” When she returned, after taking her time, he had pulled himself together. 

“We can put it all back in the oven for a while to heat it up.” He quietly said. “There’s nothing worse than hot food that isn’t hot.”

“No, there isn’t.” she agreed, whilst they put the food in the oven. 

Rafael looked awkward so she said, “Come on, let’s get you a whiskey. I think you need one.”

Looking sheepish he watched her get the bottle and a glass out of the cupboard and poured a large drink for him. He accepted it gratefully and took a drink and then said, “why don’t we go sit down.”

They ended up back on the sofa, at either end again. Rafael then said, “I’m sorry about causing a scene. I was concentrating on not overcooking the steaks and...well I didn’t filter my answers.”

“Is that what you do?” She asked.

“Sort of, I guess. At this rate neither of us will have any secrets...I’m Cuban and at first I was the typically outgoing, loud and friendly, Then my father made sure that I was seen but not heard as a child. He drummed into me that my opinions, feelings or needs were unimportant and unwanted in his home. Outside of home I could be myself, especially with my friends. Then at Harvard I discovered that outgoing and friendly was not tolerated from the ‘Latino Scholarship boy’. The first year they made my life hell, so to survive I started to be what they expected of me. I kept to myself, didn’t speak until spoken to and tried not to get in their way. Unfortunately getting higher scores than them didn’t go down well either.” He paused, taking a deep breath.

“Rafael, I’m so sorry they treated you like that. That includes your father.”

“Nobody can change the past. After a while some of my less entitled classmates stopped being so obnoxious and admitted to themselves, and me, that I had every right to be at Harvard. That at least I had the required intelligence and hadn’t had to have daddy make a large donation in order to get me in. I also met Rita Calhoun and we became fast friends. After that I enjoyed my time there. I thought when I got the job with the DA’s office that I would be able to be more myself. That was when I discovered that lawyers are expected to act seriously and being Cuban was a disadvantage. So I learned to filter what I said, how I acted. Then I found a kind of persona that was confident, snarky and distracted people from my heritage and that became a sort of armour to keep me safe at work. At home I can be me but it’s become so ingrained that I am only really me with close friends and my immediate family.”

“So I don’t really know you.”

“Yes you do. Or are best friends not close friends in your book?”

“Of course, but what you just said about filtering...I…”

“I do still filter some things. We all do. I probably shouldn’t have explained it like I did. I do put on a persona at work and I am careful about what I say at work. But outside of work the only things I filter are personal things. Like my sexual orientation.” He said blushing a little.

“That makes more sense...Thank you for telling me...your trust in me is a little overwhelming.”

“Well confidences seem to be our thing lately. How about we check on the food. Come on.” Once in the kitchen they ascertained that the food was hot enough and it didn’t look like anything was ruined. They plated up and headed for the dining table again.

They didn’t talk much, they just quietly enjoyed the meal which disappeared rather quickly. Afterwards they cleared the table and put what was left in the fridge and the plates in the dishwasher. 

Rafael got the wine and whiskey out, along with clean glasses. “Would you like another?” He asked.

“Needing some Dutch courage before we talk about whatever it is from your meeting with McCoy?” Olivia replied. 

“Yeah, something like that. Let’s go sit down again.”

They settled in what was becoming their usual spots at either end of the couch. For a while they just sat there until Rafael started to fidget and Olivia asked him, “Are we going to talk about your meeting with McCoy?”

He looked up and nodded looking like it was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Rafa, why are you so distressed about discussing this? It has to be about work if it came up in a meeting with your boss. You’ve not been fired, have you?” Olivia started to think that must be the reason. Why else would he be so upset?

“No, Liv, I haven’t been fired.” He quickly replied.

“That’s good to hear. So tell me whatever it is because my imagination is going crazy.”

“I’m sorry. Didn’t know I was a coward, did you.” 

“You’re not, Rafa. Don’t say that.” She said, a little exasperated.

“My blood pressure would probably say otherwise. My fear about discussing all this is because all I can see is disaster ahead. 

“Disaster. Why?”

“It’s complicated, just discussing it will probably be a disaster. Anyway, here goes. McCoy has been told that our dynamic has changed. That we are pining over each other and that we are unhappy. He has also offered me a job that would mean a relationship would not be a problem.”

“He did?...What is the job?”

“He says that he needs a second EADA and offered me the post. I just think that the only outcomes of discussing all this are not very good ones, though I may have overthought this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Okay, here are the theoretical outcomes. No.1. If he’s right and only one of us is pining that would not end very well and put a big strain on our friendship. No.2. If we are both pining and do have a relationship, then our bad luck in love would probably end things and our friendship. No.3. If neither of us is pining then we'll both be wondering why people think we are and we'll start second guessing ourselves...I don't want to end up without you in my life."

"Wow! Talk about doom and gloom. What if he is wrong, nothing would change. I take it from the look you just gave me that you don’t think he’s wrong.”

Very quietly he said, “No.”

“Ohhh, are you pining?" As silence followed she said, "If it helps, I’ve been pining.” Olivia revealed, a little shocked at her own bravery.

“You have? But I thought you were happy with the status quo and just wanted friendship.”

"To be honest that's what I thought about you. Why are you so convinced any romantic relationship between us would end in disaster?"

"I'm not really convinced of that. As I said I just really don't want to lose you. You must admit, neither of us has a stellar record when it comes to love."

"No. But most of those were strangers who either asked us out or we asked them out. We have a great foundation of friendship to build on."

He gave her a quizzical look and said, “So you would want to try a romantic relationship if I took the EADA position?”

“Yes I would. Our friendship is so good, we can read each other’s thoughts just with a look. Fin has complained that we must be telepathic a number of times. We’ve both admitted to finding each other attractive. Going by the relationships that I’ve come across, the really good ones, the strong ones, were usually based on friendship. The only thing that you could do that would mean I couldn’t forgive you would be if you cheated on me, or hurt Noah. Neither of which I am worried about because I know the kind of man you are and you wouldn’t do either.” She stopped as she noticed the smile on her best friends face.

Rafa smiled and said, “McCoy gave us a week to think it over. You probably won’t like this, but I think we should both give it some thought for a few days and meet up again...I'm not being awkward, I just want us to be completely sure about our decisions...Neither of us wants to end up losing each other from our lives."

“I guess...that would be...sensible.” Olivia managed to get out. “You are being very cautious, which isn’t like you.”

“Well...there is a lot at stake...plus if I'm honest, I'm scared to death that I'm going to ruin everything. It's what I do, every time. Just ask my ex's. Like my father said, I'm hard to love.”

“You’re right, there is a lot at stake. So we’ll do as you suggest. It’s Wednesday today, how about you come over to my place on Saturday at 7.30pm. Noah is having a sleepover so it will just be us, no interruptions.”

“That sounds like a plan.”

“Look at the time!” Olivia blurted out after glancing at the clock. “I’d better get going.” She grabbed her things and headed for the door.

“Are you angry about me saying we should think it over? You know I don’t want to lose you, I need us to be completely certain.”

“I know. I’m not angry with you. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Which probably means you’re right about thinking it over."

"One thing before I go. It is never just one person's fault. Unless it's due to cheating or lying, so they were blaming you to make themselves feel better. Also for the record your father was an idiot. You are very lovable... handsome, sexy and completely adorable. So stop worrying." It was then that she noticed that Rafael Barba was blushing fiercely and practically doing a bashful 'aw shucks'. It was so cute but she wasn't going to comment on it as she knew he'd be mortified if she did. "Good night, Rafa."

“Good night, Olivia.”

That Saturday found Rafael sat on Olivia’s couch, whiskey in hand, looking at her and waiting for one of them to break the silence and reveal their decisions."

It was Olivia that broke first. “I’ve thought things over and I am certain about my decision, are you?”

“Yes, I'm sure as well.” Rafael said.

“I think we should try a relationship. If...if you have made the same decision, then I think we should. As I said before I think a good friendship is the best basis for a relationship. We have an amazing friendship so I think we could have a wonderful relationship. Don’t you agree?”

“I came to the same decision... I think we should too. So you can stop trying to sell it to me, I'm already sold on the idea...So I’m getting a promotion, I guess. I just have one condition. We don’t just dive in, I get to woo you. We do this properly, okay.”

“Oohh, so I'll be wined and dined, will I. You’re a closet romantic! OMG you’re the complete opposite of the cantankerous grouch you pretend to be at work.”

“Go on, have your laugh. I thought you knew me by now.” He said

“I do. I already knew that your snarky persona wasn't the real you. But we’ve never been romantic so I didn't know that side of you.”

“okay, but you won’t be laughing when I’m using my romantic powers to woo you. You’ll be putty in my hands.”

“Confident aren’t you. I really hope you live up to your hype.”

“Don’t you worry about that. Have I ever promised what I couldn’t deliver? Just let me know when you can go on a date and I will arrange a date night worthy of you.” He countered looking smug.

“Can’t wait.” She said grinning wildly at him. “I don’t have any champagne, I should have got some.” 

“Never mind, we don’t really need it. Whiskey and red wine are just as good.” 

"Olivia, I think going forward, we should stop overthinking things."

"Yes you will." At his put upon look, she quickly said, "Agreed."

They celebrated by talking about everything under the sun. The only subject avoided was relationships, to stop any second guessing or backpedaling. Both felt greatly relieved that they were going to stop hiding their feelings and act on them. Eventually Rafael started to fall asleep and Olivia called an Uber for him. Finally a relationship was ahead of them, no more pining. They only had to wait until Rafael took up his new position and then happiness was, hopefully, theirs.   
They were finally going to trust someone completely and do what they had rarely done before, follow their hearts.


End file.
